Metamorphosis

This past weekend was one that made me realize that I should take a step backwards and realize how lucky I am in my life and not to take things for granted. I could tell my parents missed me. I could feel it in their eyes. I could tell my friends miss me, I can feel their warmth when they came close. I have an amazing life with great people with great memories. I couldn’t ask for a more loving atmosphere. I love every little detail in my life. It’s upsetting and unsettling to realize how I’ve been unhappy with things lately. I know that there are people there for me in my life and I’m so grateful for that. This blog is dedicated to those who gave a shit, for those who talk to me when I’m down, to those who spend time with me, those who make me laugh, those who make me feel like a sibling, those who tell me as it is, those with similar views, those who agree with me, those who disagree with me and know I’m hard headed and put up with me, those who love me, those who let me crash at their house, those who drove me home, those who made me drive them home, those who hug me, those who kiss me, those who shared a drink with me, those who bought me food, those who made me realize how lucky I have it, those who come to me for help, those who let me come to them for help, those who are unique (pretty much everyone I have ever met), my parents, my friends and everyone in between. I love you all and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Even the friends I no longer talk to and barely talk to. I still remember the memories we share and the long drives to no where. If you fall under any of those categories listed above, you’re in my heart, and I love you guys. 

Everyone needs to slow down. Stop moving so fast. Take it slow, slow it down. Your lives are moving too fast. Slow down. I can’t catch up. Or maybe I don’t want to catch up. It’s always:

Birth

Grade school

Puberty

Adolescence

Secondary school/College

Adulthood

Family

Death

The things in between are the things that should matter. And sometimes they aren’t things. They are regrets, memories, people, adventures, losses, nightmares, dreams, goals, et cetera. 

My feet are tired of running through the heads of my family and friends. I need to take a seat on a bench and rest. It’s time to think. It’s time to take a break. It’s time to meditate. 

“If I make it on one piece back to land

I will never sail again

Never.”

So life has been throwing fast balls at me. If I’m not diagnosed with bipolarism than I don’t know what I am. But at the start of this I’m happy. I came home from school for the weekend and it was a well needed break. Spent time with my friends who I dearly miss. I spent time with my parents who I miss even more. Enjoyed the first couple days of October and it’s lovely weather. Everything about this weekend was fantastic. 

I’m really hoping I do better in school this time around. It’s getting pretty difficult but I’m sure I’m going to handle it as long as I keep my head up. The college life is great, being on your own and finding out who you are. Also being surrounded by a whole different and mature crowd is a fabulous plus. But home is where the heart is, as cliche as it may sound. I’m perfectly happy with my life style, and being straight edge for four years going on five! Each year makes me happier. And then it really hits me, I’m turning twenty in January.

Twenty? That’s not even a “teen” anymore. That’s the “hey I’m no longer a teen but I’m still innocent but I don’t get much respect because I’m not twenty-one yet” number. But regardless, I’m one of the first in my group to turn this number and it’s…weird. I remember being a lustful, enraged, depressed, and full of angst freshman in high school. Now, I’m turning into an adult. A smart adult, a respectable adult, and it’s bothering me on how much I’ve changed. It’s all for the good, I made very little mistakes and very few enemies on the way. I’m content with who I am, and I’m sure this is to stay. I listen to all my friends and I realize how much of a good person I’ve become. I love myself. This is the best feeling in the world.

I realize I don’t need anyone but myself. Change causes problems. Among other things. An intimate other isn’t in the cards right now and frankly, that’s probably a good thing. I look around and see how obscure people are with significant others. It seems like they just like the feeling of having someone to be with at night. Someone to talk to. And then, when they’re gone, they’re alone. That’s the problem with most humans; we fear loneliness. No one saves anyone. It’s all a chemical balance into which we think we are saved, in which we feel safe, in which we feel the piece of the puzzle is found. But look how many years you matured without someone significant besides a sibling or your parents! Depression just ensues, and everyone just goes into a depressed state in which we learn from our mistakes. Fuck that, why make the mistake? Yeah, the whole “you learn from it” thing. You become a better person. You have so many more years to live. Why focus on that ONE person in which you feel so attached to? When you start dating at 13, do you really believe that little fuck you’re dating is going to be with you forever? Till marriage? Come on now. That’s why we have so many divorces these days. We only care for right now, not what’s right. 

But regardless, I’m happy I’ve made it this far. Christmas is coming and I REALLY hope I can get a tattoo. Or a car. Probably not a car, so tattoo would be good. A big ole Suchomimus on my upper arm. I’m going to be the 10th grade biology teacher with a dinosaur tattoo and yelling at pre-pubescent teenagers about why they should love biology. Gotta love a poor college student. 

I’m starting a jam band. It’s a way for me to let loose. It’s like a joke/jam band called Arcanine. I’m vocalist and I’ve got some really awesome ideas for songs. I’m dedicating one to a friend’s dad. He’s a dead beat.

Gonna start exercising again too. Might bring some more positive vibes back into my body and open up new doors in my mind. It always did that before, so what the hell.

That’s about it.