Metamorphosis

You expected this didn’t you? 

Is something I’m not doing. I never have and never will. College is hard stuff, it’s not something where you go to class and expect to “get” the material from the start. You have to keep going at it at full force until you fully understand the concepts behind it. I failed my first General Chemistry II test and I received a D on my first Biology of Cellular Processes test. This is my fault. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I didn’t study and I wasted time doing other things. And now I have a pre-Calculus test on Monday. I’m worried. But I plan on studying tonight and all of tomorrow for this grueling test. I’m already in it a second time and I don’t plan on seeing these familiar faces from last semester again either. After these tests are out of the way, I plan on studying the material the day of or the day after it was taught to go over what I learned. The library is open 24 hours so there is no excuse for failure. I’m keeping my head up and continuing on. These are just obstacles in my way and I will overcome. No matter what is thrown at me. 

Fuck being negative. Be positive, stay true, stay you. Don’t listen to what others have to say to you. Be YOURSELF. That’s the best thing anyone can do. Self-reliance and self-guidance makes you into a true person. Fuck what others have to say about you. In the end, it all has to do with what you want to do with yourself and how you perceive yourself. Being different is what makes everyone unique. Being the same is boring. Being misunderstood makes life enjoyable. If you’re following a trend because you feel like you need to fit into that crowd, stop! That’s not something you want to be a part of; start your own trend! if you’re being judged, then you’re doing something right! Be yourself!

Why am I so depressed lately? I’m nineteen years young and I still can’t get these thoughts out of my head.

I feel like I’m not good enough. I depend on people way too much to help me. I never was like that. I was always the kid who people came to when they needed help. I’m a cheater, and I absolutely can’t stand doing it, yet I’m addicted. I wear a mask of glass and fool everyone. I enjoy the moment, but not the whole situation. I grow tired and then my mind goes into hyper drive and I start analyzing every little detail of my life and asking why? how? who? when? what? Those questions haunt my every existence. I’m trapped in a jail cell where I literally can’t talk to a single soul about any of this because I’ll break down crying and I’ll feel like I’m being judged. Judgement has been and always will be my weakness. I don’t like rejection and I’m sickly afraid of failure. I’ve already failed once in school last semester, and if it happens again, I’ll just feel like a failure all together. 

The fact that I depend on my peers to help me scares me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help. But the fact that I have to depend on them worries me about the future. What if I have to depend on someone for the rest of my life like some sort of leech? I can’t see myself doing that; I can’t do it. It can’t happen. I’ll be like a drone, a puppet, a leech, a failure. I wish I could tell a complete stranger this but there comes the judgement. 

I’m starting to eat my feelings away, something I’ve never done before. This is something that shouldn’t happen. I’m already unhealthy and over weight. I was working out and weight lifting and running after school but then I just get lazy and discouraged as if I’m doing it incorrectly or not getting the results I was yearning for. And then I get depressed, eat, worry, analyze, get depressed and then this cyclical cycle is never ending.  

Plus I feel more alone than ever. I’m in a foreign city without any exits. I don’t have a car to escape and I really don’t have too many outlets. I have my iPod, the internet, and my room mate. But these aren’t good enough. I need a way out at times. It’s driving me insane. I need a significant other to tie me down and make me realize what I’m worth. Yeah, lemme guess, be happy what you have. Well I’m fucking not. I actually wish I had more. I’m a selfish American asshole. Come fight me about it. I’m sorry, but I want more false love in my life. Something more. Something to wake up to. Something to make me sane. 

The little petty comments about my past doesn’t help me either. If you haven’t realized yet, I’m a very dramatic, self-loathing, and extremely self conscience. Little comments about my past or what I’ve done doesn’t help this. It actually hinders it. Yeah, I’ll laugh about it, but in reality, it’s another stab at my heart. It’s pretty much tally marks on my heart on how many times I’ve fucked up. Yeah, I realize I’m not perfect, no one is. I’m a ruthless lustful teenager. I’m near adulthood, I’m waiting to find myself. Comments just don’t rub me off the right way. Those petty comments make me think everyone I pass in the world is thinking the same thing. My business is MY fucking business. I made my choices, I made my regrets, I made ME into ME. I don’t need others to make me realize this. I’m reminded daily, trust me. 

To my readers who always wonder what’s up or why I’m not talking to them and they find out through my tumblr. No, I’m not okay. I’m actually pretty fucking depressed at the moment. But when I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll realize what I’ve written and what I’ve done and I’ll get over it. And then I’ll get texts or questions later or down the road, asking why I’m depressed or if I need help. No, I’m actually wanting for this to go away. In reality, I have no idea what I truly want. 

You get when you know a song that you can relate to? Love it.

“I’m an ugly mess, I’m full of it, and I’m a lame excuse for a poet.

It really comes down to my love for misfortune

A weak stomach and a mouthful of bad intentions.”

And the question I leave you all this morning is:

Are we alive or do we need someone to show us that we’re all dead inside? 

It’s really hard to be nice to your friend’s friends just because I am friends with my friends? If that made sense. 

This is really targeted towards two people indirectly. One knows I don’t like them and that I’m only being civil with her because she is pursuing my friend. The other probably has no idea. But I don’t hate them. 

But for the most part, I hate what they stand for, I hate what they have to say, and I just can’t tolerate ignorance from these two individuals. It’s almost like they suck the life out of everyone they’re around and it’s sickening. The pure ignorance of these people baffles me to no end. I could write a whole lot more but I rather not give it all away. I know for a fact my tumblr is a haven for vultures trying to pick apart every detail of my writings. This is my safe haven. My venting place. If you don’t like what I have to write, don’t read it. 

I come home and I look at my friends and acquaintances that I surround myself with and I realize a lot of them have growing up to do. It isn’t necessarily bad. It’s just, I remember myself at that age and how naive I was about the world. Maybe it’s the university experience I have where I view things through a wider lens. It’s not really immaturity so my title is misleading. It’s just, a lot of people from home lack intellectualism. There’s the few who obviously have grown and see past the telescope view, but it’s just not cutting it. I’m very glad that I got out of Sarasota for my education. It really doesn’t matter where you go for school as long as you get out of your hometown and see things differently. You become more appreciative of things, you gain more outside knowledge, you start to fend for yourself, you begin to learn and tolerate culture, and you grow up. That’s the most important thing. Readers of this will obviously say “well why are you friends with 16/17/18 year old kids then?” Honestly, the age shouldn’t matter. I have mature 16 year old friends who act like grown adults and then I have 19 year old friends who act like they are 15. I just wish I had someone on my level where I could talk about life, it’s trials, the science of things, the parts and not the whole. Slowly I’m surrounding myself with those people and it’s rewarding.

But the negative aspect of all of this scares me. When you leave, you forget about all the ignorance and immaturity of things. You really do grow up. You don’t want to hear about who hates who because so and so made out with so and so and now she’s a slut. It’s tiring and uncalled for and I’ve grown up. Yes, I’d like to know what exactly happened but some of the…bullshit…is just…bullshit. Why bother hating? Is it really worth it? You’re all going to grow up and gain so much more knowledge and tolerance. You start hating politicians, professors, scientists, lawyers, doctors. The real people you should be hating. Not petty 15 year old girls/boys who have no collect knowledge of what exactly hating something means.

I wish I could get paid for writing blogs or whatever you want to call these collections of writings I have in here. I love writing these kind of things. I love using my brain and transforming the webpage into the portrait in my head. I’ve come to realize this is my personal psychiatrist. I get into moods where I don’t want to talk to anyone and I come here and regurgitate my heart and brain onto this internet site. And I love it! There’s nothing like writing my personal views/opinions onto a blank screen. No sarcasm intended, honestly. Maybe I should rethink my major…

I haven’t written typed like this in a long time. But I guess I could say I’m content with life at the moment. I’m like any 19 year old. Struggling with school, yearning a significant other, making friends, making mistakes, holding onto dreams, and just finding out who I am. It’s a great adventure. It’s like I’m constantly running and I’m gaining so much momentum as my foot hits the asphalt. 

Another thing about leaving home is that you begin to think about what matters most in life. You start thinking like an adult. You start talking like an adult. You start worrying about health, modern issues, money, jobs, careers, supporting yourself, who you are, politics, religion, science, and pretty much anything else that enters our brain. Then you start to begin to worry about things and realize life was a whole lot easier when mommy and daddy did everything for you. Paid for your food, paid for your gas, paid for your clothes, paid for everything. Some of you may not had the luxuries of this and started fending for yourselves at a younger age but you get the point. 

I’m not a partier. Never was. Something about forgetting what happened the previous night doesn’t phase me. I tend to like to collect my thoughts and talk about them. People tell me I should smoke weed, making my thoughts and thinking deeper. But if they are deep now, I’m afraid how much deeper they could get. That was a joke. This is the part where you laugh. But in reality, I probably don’t want to think deeper.

The truth is, thinking scares me. You begin to think negatively and positively. Brain-storming always has it’s mean face on. Analyzing things was always my downfall because there were always cons in everything. But thinking that way isn’t necessarily horrendous. When you think negatively, you start analyzing “why” and try to move past it. This is probably why I was never big into religion or church. I was asked questions and eventually got bored of believing God created me (or Jesus or Satan). If God created me, I want him right here now so I can question everything. That’s the beauty of living in a society like ours. We CAN question everything. And that’s why I love me. I question every fucking thing. Don’t tell me this happens because it just does. I want to know why or how. And that’s why religion and me do not coexist. Don’t get me wrong, I love religion for what it is. It makes people sane, it gives people hope, spiritually heals people, etc. Plus it’s fascinating to learn. I respect people for what they believe in. But obviously I’m not everyone. You can watch the news and see every day that people do not respect one another. And that’s one thing religion has taught us. To tolerate one another. And you all fail. Well not everyone. Most Buddhists, Muslims, and Hindus (and other religious people) are respectful to one another. But you have extremists in every culture and religion possible. You can’t say that one religion is better and you can’t say I hate _____ because they believe in something that I don’t believe in. This is why we have wars. This is why we have book burnings. This is why we kill one another. We hate difference. It’s been going on since we could read and write. Before slavery. Before industry. Before anything. We hate change and differences. This was mostly a rant and I know my main points have skewed towards different topics but this is my freelance writing at 4:02 in the morning.

And now, I end this writing piece with a quote. A very…scientific quote. But if you can look past the physics of it, you could apply it to pretty much anything in life.

“To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.”

Humans have discovered things that make science fiction reality. The question is, were we supposed to? 

My criteria for the perfect woman.

Positives:

-Likes dinosaurs and UNDERSTANDS what I’m talking about when I speak of them.

-Likes the same music as me.

-Likes Jurassic Park

-Likes cuddling

-Realizes I sleep a lot

-Hasn’t fucked all of Sarasota

-Doesn’t get jealous that I have a lot of friends who are girls

-Doesn’t believe in God

-Understands my obsession with Katy Perry

-Nice to my parents

-Sparks conversation

-Understands I have a lot of school work

-Understands I don’t have a job at the moment

-Understands I’m lazy

-Isn’t insanely fat

-Has at least half of a brain and doesn’t ask stupid questions

-Does NOT like Twilight.

-Cheers me up when I’m in horrible moods

-Up for tickling fights

-Let’s me have bro nights.

NEGATIVES:

-Constantly smokes

-Constantly lies

-Constantly fucks

-Believes in God

-Insanely fat

-Always asks where I am/where I was

-Thinks I’m secretly in love with one of my friends who is a girl.

-Hits me (I FUCKING CAN’T STAND IT)

-Looks at me weirdly for my dinosaur “models.”

-Looks at me weirdly for knowing all the lines in Jurassic Park

-Can’t be honest with me

-Hates my parents

-Hates my dogs

-Hates my lizard

-Asks me to “break edge”

-Says weed is more important than me

-Puts me ahead of their friends. (You’re allowed to have a social life…)

-Hates my music